Is this paying off AT ALL?!?!?!?!?!?

These are my "before" pics. I had lost a few pounds here.

These are my "during" pics. I've lost 10 pounds since the first two pictures. Do I look bigger to you? I look bigger to me!

I'm not pandering for sympathy or attention, I'm just a little frustrated. I know that I've lost weight, and I know that I physically FEEL better, so I'm not going to go eat a gallon of ice cream and feel sorry for myself. I'm just a little miffed that I've lost weight and somehow manage to look FATTER!!!! I don't feel fatter- I feel pretty great. Well, I did... until I looked at these pictures. Most of my vertically challenged friends lose 5-10 pounds and drop a pants size. I have lost more than 10 pounds and am THE SAME FREAKING SIZE!!!!

10, 9, 8, 7, (breathe, breathe) 6, 5, 4, (deeeeeep breath) 3, 2, 1. And... we're back! The weight will come off. The clothes will get smaller. People will start to say "Have you lost weight" and "You look amazing!" I just need to hang in there.

A proud mom

This isn't about weight loss, but about the ones that are inspiring me to do it. I love my children. I am so grateful that their keeping is trusted to me. They are great children. My oldest is well on his way to becoming a man, which breaks my heart and makes me proud at the same time. He just came back from two weeks at his father's, and while I feel that his dad is a great dad and a good person, we have wildly different religious beliefs and therefore, rather different world views. Patrick has chosen to follow my beliefs instead of his father's, and it has taken him incredible spiritual fortitude to be immersed in a situation that is so uncomfortable for him. His father apparently had a spiritual awakening the other day and had gone from a "Sunday Christian" to an "at the church if the doors are open" Christian. This has been a struggle for Pat. He is learning tolerance though, which is an important thing to have as part of a minority religion. He is leaning that people who don't believe in the same gods as us are not our enemies because they believe something different. He is learning to be respectful and reverent in the presence of other people's gods. He asked me today if I thought he would be a good leader when he is grown. He wants other heathens to look up to him. I am so proud of him.

I'm not leaving Jackson out. I wanted to take the time to give each child his time. Jackson is such an emotional and creative child. I see so much of myself in him- good and bad. He has that passion and energy that sometimes turns to rage in a blink. He loves as fiercely as he hates. He becomes so immersed in his art. He draws on absolutely everything! He is a storyteller, and an adventurer. He has no idea what modesty is, and it never occurs to him that he might not be able to do something. He's not the slightest bit shy, and can make friends without trying. Other children are drawn to him, even though he prefers the company of adults. He's been able to hold a conversation with a grown person since he was old enough to talk. I asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up. Not missing a beat, he announced "I'm going to be a video game designer. Oh, and I'm going to write comic books too." He knows that his creativity is a strength and he nourishes it. I hope I can do the same thing. When we were on our way to pick Patrick up today, he told me he wanted pizza for dinner. I told him that was fine, but he'd have to buy it. Normally, this means no one gets pizza but him (he can be a little selfish sometimes), but today he said "I'm gonna ask Patrick if he wants some pizza too! It'll be my treat because I'm so glad he's coming home."

I love my kids. I'm glad they're mine.

Fat pics and gym thoughts

I have been trying my hardest to post pictures of myself on my MFP blog, but apparently I am just not smart enough. So, I'm posting them here, since it's soooo much easier! These are pretty much my "before" pics. I've lost some weight, but it's not showing yet. My measurements are the same, my clothes fit the same, I just weigh a little less than I did. I am not satisfied with myself as I am right now, and I am working very hard to change it. Do you see how I can't put my arm straight down beside me? That's gross. I want that to go away. In the side view, you'll notice a large protrusion in front of me. That's my baby belly- from eight years ago. Enough of that. I carry ALL my weight in the middle. I have normal sized arms and legs- and then there's the gut. I would like to have a waist. A real one, not just a place where one should be, which I pretend is a waist.

The other topic I wanted to talk about was the 30 Minute Express workout at Planet Fitness. It's not my favorite. Have you ever put your shoe on the wrong foot? That's how the machines are in there. Something is just... off. The weights are different, the way some of them work is different, and it's kind of dark in there. Not that the darkness has anything to do with anything, it just made it weird. Also, people kept coming in and getting on one or two machines and then leaving, which kind of throws the circuit off. Jerks. I need to find a way to shorten my workout (about 2 hours) to something a little more manageable. I had to work today at my mother in law's bridal shop, so I was in a little bit of a time crunch and thought I would give the Express a go. Nah... Not for me. I feel like my legs got a good workout, but I did legs yesterday, and I ran this morning, so my legs are pretty tired now.

I enjoy my two hours at the gym. Maybe it's excessive, but time slips away so quickly there, and I always feel great when I leave. Some days I take it a little easier, some days I push a lot harder, but it's always good. I know that I'm getting stronger and that my body will start to look less like mashed potatoes and more like a lean, mean, running machine!

I had a bad day...

and then, I had another one.

And then, it was Monday, and I had to take my little one back to school. It was nice to get back into the groove again. I saw my friend's before and after pics on My Fitness Pal, and I went to the gym. It was so go to be back after a long weekend of binge-eating and not going to the gym. Today, I went again, and I pushed myself a lot harder. I came in under my calorie goal, I pushed myself to lift more weight than I usually do, and I stepped up my workout on the stationary bike. It felt amazing. I need to hold on to that feeling. It keeps me going back.

Sorry to make this one so short, but I have to get up early... and run!