Is this paying off AT ALL?!?!?!?!?!?

These are my "before" pics. I had lost a few pounds here.

These are my "during" pics. I've lost 10 pounds since the first two pictures. Do I look bigger to you? I look bigger to me!

I'm not pandering for sympathy or attention, I'm just a little frustrated. I know that I've lost weight, and I know that I physically FEEL better, so I'm not going to go eat a gallon of ice cream and feel sorry for myself. I'm just a little miffed that I've lost weight and somehow manage to look FATTER!!!! I don't feel fatter- I feel pretty great. Well, I did... until I looked at these pictures. Most of my vertically challenged friends lose 5-10 pounds and drop a pants size. I have lost more than 10 pounds and am THE SAME FREAKING SIZE!!!!

10, 9, 8, 7, (breathe, breathe) 6, 5, 4, (deeeeeep breath) 3, 2, 1. And... we're back! The weight will come off. The clothes will get smaller. People will start to say "Have you lost weight" and "You look amazing!" I just need to hang in there.

A proud mom

This isn't about weight loss, but about the ones that are inspiring me to do it. I love my children. I am so grateful that their keeping is trusted to me. They are great children. My oldest is well on his way to becoming a man, which breaks my heart and makes me proud at the same time. He just came back from two weeks at his father's, and while I feel that his dad is a great dad and a good person, we have wildly different religious beliefs and therefore, rather different world views. Patrick has chosen to follow my beliefs instead of his father's, and it has taken him incredible spiritual fortitude to be immersed in a situation that is so uncomfortable for him. His father apparently had a spiritual awakening the other day and had gone from a "Sunday Christian" to an "at the church if the doors are open" Christian. This has been a struggle for Pat. He is learning tolerance though, which is an important thing to have as part of a minority religion. He is leaning that people who don't believe in the same gods as us are not our enemies because they believe something different. He is learning to be respectful and reverent in the presence of other people's gods. He asked me today if I thought he would be a good leader when he is grown. He wants other heathens to look up to him. I am so proud of him.

I'm not leaving Jackson out. I wanted to take the time to give each child his time. Jackson is such an emotional and creative child. I see so much of myself in him- good and bad. He has that passion and energy that sometimes turns to rage in a blink. He loves as fiercely as he hates. He becomes so immersed in his art. He draws on absolutely everything! He is a storyteller, and an adventurer. He has no idea what modesty is, and it never occurs to him that he might not be able to do something. He's not the slightest bit shy, and can make friends without trying. Other children are drawn to him, even though he prefers the company of adults. He's been able to hold a conversation with a grown person since he was old enough to talk. I asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up. Not missing a beat, he announced "I'm going to be a video game designer. Oh, and I'm going to write comic books too." He knows that his creativity is a strength and he nourishes it. I hope I can do the same thing. When we were on our way to pick Patrick up today, he told me he wanted pizza for dinner. I told him that was fine, but he'd have to buy it. Normally, this means no one gets pizza but him (he can be a little selfish sometimes), but today he said "I'm gonna ask Patrick if he wants some pizza too! It'll be my treat because I'm so glad he's coming home."

I love my kids. I'm glad they're mine.

Fat pics and gym thoughts

I have been trying my hardest to post pictures of myself on my MFP blog, but apparently I am just not smart enough. So, I'm posting them here, since it's soooo much easier! These are pretty much my "before" pics. I've lost some weight, but it's not showing yet. My measurements are the same, my clothes fit the same, I just weigh a little less than I did. I am not satisfied with myself as I am right now, and I am working very hard to change it. Do you see how I can't put my arm straight down beside me? That's gross. I want that to go away. In the side view, you'll notice a large protrusion in front of me. That's my baby belly- from eight years ago. Enough of that. I carry ALL my weight in the middle. I have normal sized arms and legs- and then there's the gut. I would like to have a waist. A real one, not just a place where one should be, which I pretend is a waist.

The other topic I wanted to talk about was the 30 Minute Express workout at Planet Fitness. It's not my favorite. Have you ever put your shoe on the wrong foot? That's how the machines are in there. Something is just... off. The weights are different, the way some of them work is different, and it's kind of dark in there. Not that the darkness has anything to do with anything, it just made it weird. Also, people kept coming in and getting on one or two machines and then leaving, which kind of throws the circuit off. Jerks. I need to find a way to shorten my workout (about 2 hours) to something a little more manageable. I had to work today at my mother in law's bridal shop, so I was in a little bit of a time crunch and thought I would give the Express a go. Nah... Not for me. I feel like my legs got a good workout, but I did legs yesterday, and I ran this morning, so my legs are pretty tired now.

I enjoy my two hours at the gym. Maybe it's excessive, but time slips away so quickly there, and I always feel great when I leave. Some days I take it a little easier, some days I push a lot harder, but it's always good. I know that I'm getting stronger and that my body will start to look less like mashed potatoes and more like a lean, mean, running machine!

I had a bad day...

and then, I had another one.

And then, it was Monday, and I had to take my little one back to school. It was nice to get back into the groove again. I saw my friend's before and after pics on My Fitness Pal, and I went to the gym. It was so go to be back after a long weekend of binge-eating and not going to the gym. Today, I went again, and I pushed myself a lot harder. I came in under my calorie goal, I pushed myself to lift more weight than I usually do, and I stepped up my workout on the stationary bike. It felt amazing. I need to hold on to that feeling. It keeps me going back.

Sorry to make this one so short, but I have to get up early... and run!

When it rains, it pours....

Okay, I'm about to let you few readers very much into my financial life:

After having made our house payment, my husband and I have $100 to our names to last us a week. We decided to use it for gas for his car- well, my car, actually, but we'd decided to just use one car to save on gas. His mom gave me $25 for some Scentsy bars and to give us a little extra cash. Good- we're up to $125

Well, low and behold, a check I wrote two weeks ago for $60 finally makes it's way to the bank. Crap. Now we're down to $65. Fair enough, we can make it. Just be careful, right?

No. Vistaprint takes their dues for my website- $35. Poo again! We're down to just $30!!!

So we got to Target to return the broken scale, and just opt to get cash ($30) instead of swapping it out. Then Gav sells some Magic cards for$30, and we're back up to $95. Only $11 of this is in our main bank account, $18 in my bank account, and the rest is on us in cash.

Well, with only $11 in the joint account, and Gav needing gas on his way to work, he was going to use the cash for gas- except he was running late, so he just used the card and got $10. Now there is ONE DOLLAR in our bank account. Well, I checked it to make sure nothing else came out- and I'm glad I checked.

A check for $20 is trying as hard as it can to go through. So, I go flying to Wal-Mart in Gavin's van (which is pretty much running on fumes) only to find my way blocked by a broken down railroad truck which is firmly jammed on the tracks, preventing me from crossing. Now, I have to go around my elbow to get to my thumb- or across town to get to a Wal-Mart that is 3 miles from my house- in a car with almost no gas. I get down to the next light, and the van begins to shake violently. Knowing that I am about to run out of gas, I cut across the lawn of the Bojangles to get into the turning lane and go to the BP station for their outrageously priced gas (I'm just glad I didn't get a ticket). The car is still shaking, and now the check engine light is on. Really? Great. BTW, at this point, I am out of minutes on my cell phone with no money to buy more. WONDERFUL!!! I did make it to Wal-Mart. I managed to get $15 worth of gas in the van, plus the $20 in the bank to keep that check from bouncing. We're waiting on some money to transfer from Paypal, and come Monday (cue Jimmy Buffett) it'll be alright- but right now... ultimate stress. I want to eat all the ice cream in the house, but I am keeping my hands busy blogging and trying to keep my mind out of the refrigerator. I'm trying to remind myself that Gavin still has some cash, and I still have some money in my account. It's just a nightmare living paycheck to paycheck. Midsummer nearly broke us, really. If we continue to have such a large event, we're going to have to charge people a little bit to come to it. I think we're going to have to make a lot of adjustments financially. My Scentsy business has come to a complete standstill, and things are just hard. Food costs more, gas costs more, it's so hot that our a/c runs all the time, and that costs more. I'm ready for this house to be paid for.

I'm also curious about the global economic collapse. I know that's going to happen- I just wonder when. I wonder where we (meaning my family personally) are going to end up because of it.

I know that seems off-topic, but I have been watching a lot of scary youtube videos about this sort of thing today.

I'm going to the gym tonight, come hell or high water. I need to work off some of this stress.

Today will be a struggle... (MFP)

Last night, I went to a birthday party for a friend, and we ended up staying out until 1030, which is very late for me at my advancing age (LOL)! I also had pizza and cake. I did well though, I ate a really big salad before we left so that my tummy would be filled with yummy fiber-y goodness, and I only had one slice of pizza and one slice of cake. On WW, the pizza was 5 points and the cake was 14, but because of all my exercise yesteday, I didn't go over points OR calories! I'm very proud of myself for that. There is plenty of temptation at the game store- they have a "gamer's kitchen" which is a cooler full of sodas, a freezer full of high-calorie frozen goodies, and an entire wall filled with other little snacky things, like chocolate and chips and such. I stayed away from those, but it was tough. For my friend's birthday, they had a Magic the Gathering draft (if you don't know what that is, you're just not nerdy enough). As nerdy as I am, I don't play Magic, so I was pretty bored. Luckily, my husband got the Pathfinder RPG books (nerd-talk again) and I spent most of my time reading those to keep my mind occupied. When we got home, I was too tied to do anything but go to bed- I didn't complete my food diary for yesterday until this morning.

Today I am still very much feeling the effects of a late night out. I am supposed to go pound pavement looking for vendors to be in my bridal show, but I think I am going to do my work from over the phone today. I have finally gotten around to changing into my daytime clothes- but it's hot out and I am feeling very unmotivated to even open my door. I know it's going to be a challenge to get to the gym today. I'm debating taking a 5 hour energy (less points than coffee- and colder) . I'm so tired, and a little achy, and it's days like these that I tend to get unmotivated and fall off the wagon, as it were. Not a particularly bad day- usually I like to pick myself up from those and make the next day something amazing. It's these blah days that kill me.

On the plus side, today is my last day of my first week of WW. I'm feeling good about having made it through a week. I'm upset about my broken scale, but I can hook the Wii Fit back up and get a reading that way.

That's all for now, maybe more later. Gotta get to work!

Awesome workout & Concern about this evening

So, I had my Couch to 5K run this morning at the Clayton Community park Another nice park with wide, paved paths to run on. It's a lot smaller than White Deer Park, but it's closer to my house and it's a lot more level. There are a few rises, but nothing too strenuous. It does seem, however, that every time I have to speed up, I am going uphill. Suckitude. So, I got home from my run, Fed Gavin his breakfast, and then we headed off to the gym. I really enjoyed working out with him. The cardio part was meh, but he doesn't like cardio. It was being on the machines that I really liked. It was nice to have him there encouraging me to make that final push when I didn't feel like I doing that extra little bit. So the workout was good. I earned 6 WW points for all my exercise :)

I am worried about tonight, though. I am going to a birthday party, and I know there will be pizza and cake, as well as lots of other tasty temptations. I'm going to be surrounded by gamers and food. I'm planning on making myself a big, delicious salad before I head out, so I'll already be full and won't be tempted to over-eat. I am going to have some pizza, and maybe a little cake. I kind of hope it's a flavor I don't like, then I won't have to worry about spending all those extra points. If I eat some cake, it's not the end of the world. I just need to pay attention to what I'm eating.

I can do this-I'm not a crackhead.